“The only way she will feel supported by you and your husband is if you come together and work together in the matter without arguments and disputes, especially in her presence. She needs to see a united front between the two of you so that she will truly feel supported. This will be particularly important right now as she has been receiving a psychiatric intervention.”
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh,
Understandably, you are facing much distress with this situation as it seems, whatever happens, you will make someone unhappy – your daughter if you stand in the way of her marriage to him, and your husband if you allow your daughter to do so. Either way will have devastating consequences within the family unit.
The first thing you need to think about is that raising your daughter has been a team effort between you and your husband and, therefore, you need to respect his thoughts on that matter, too.
She has been engaging in a haram relationship with this guy she wants to marry, which does not provide the best foundations for a marriage and is completely against the principles of Islam. Even if you were to support her with the marriage, you have supported in her with haram. Whilst this might make her happy, it will not make Allah (swt) happy.
There are many times in life where we have to do something that is displeasing to people in this life, even those we love dearly, in order to please Allah (swt). This can be difficult, but ultimately we need to remember that Allah (swt) will be the one who will judge us. She may be unhappy with your decision not to support her marriage, but in sha’ Allah, in time, as she moves on, she will realize that it was for her benefit. She will respect the fact that you saved her from a haram relationship and that, in fact, Allah (swt) has replaced it with something better.
She said that she was trying to forget him because she knew you and your husband were unhappy with this, and this seems to have lead to her depression. It might seem easier just to give in and allow her to marry him, saving her from the pain she has been going through, but think of the pain that she firstly could face in this life as a result of being in a haram relationship.
Think also of the pain she will face in the Hereafter for having done such act. Remember that the pain of facing depression for a while in this life by forgetting him will be considerably smaller than what she could potentially face if she got married to him, as well as the pain for you in supporting her, both in how you will be questioned and in relations with your husband. Nobody likes to face pain, and its too easy to just take the easy way out, but be reassured that facing and enduring trial comes with many rewards in the end, if you just trust in Allah (swt).
Unfortunately, as the love has already developed between them, it will be difficult for her to move on, and it may feel like she will never be happy to marry anyone else. However, with the support of you and your husband, and many prayers, she can move on successfully and will be able to marry someone under more appropriate circumstances that are more pleasing to you and your husband, and most importantly most pleasing to Allah (swt).
The only way she will feel supported by you and your husband is if you come together and work together in the matter without arguments and disputes, especially in her presence. She needs to see a united front between the two of you so that she will truly feel supported. This will be particularly important right now as she has been receiving a psychiatric intervention.
In the meantime, continue to be good role models to her and openly practice Islam. As her role models, she will look up to you and be guided to the straight path and begin to practice. Pray to Allah (swt) to guide her and help her to see the beauty of Islam. In sha’ Allah, she will be grateful for your choice to support her away from haram. Encourage her to behave more in accordance with Islam. A strong family home will help to support this. This may be difficult at first, considering things are not in a good place right now, but it’s important to leave these difficulties behind in search of the pleasure of Allah (swt). In sha’ Allah,things will get better and be more settled in the family home.
May Allah (swt) guide you all on the straight path and bring ease in all your affairs. May He (swt) bring you all comfort in your family home and bring your daughter a righteous spouse that she, you, and your husband will be happy with.